Word!

Two things have prompted this post: my bff posting a beautiful story which made me think…”now is the time.” I started then deleted as I often do. Then I scrolled through Facebook to this (bottom of page)…uhg! “It is time” a quiet voice says.

If I say now it is a long read then I think I might be insulting the most basic of intelligence but at least you have been advised.

Several weeks ago I woke at four in the morning. Very softly but unbelievably shaken. In my dream I was speaking with God. First, if you know me you know words are curious to me. I like them and have more post-its on my office walls of words and definitions than of “its” I am supposed to do. Grammar is not a part of that love, to again advise. I am a McCarthy in that regard…no not the bad behavior one…”The Road” one. The author Cormac McCarthy does not use commas because he thinks they are pointless. I know, save your funny meme’s. It justifies my bad writing skills

Continuing… So it was no surprise that God and I were discussing how G-o-d was rather silly. How do you sum the totality of everything into a name. Jewish observers do not write God. G-d is often used. It is out of respect. Interesting yes, and comment provoking I am sure, but not the part that made me open my eyes from my cozy chat. The conversation continues and in my Gideon nature I ask God to give me something. I need some signs, not of existence, not of what to do, something more. I want all the answers. That is just who I AM, ironically. I am the desire for answers and “I am” IS the answers. So at least I’m in the right room so to speak. Then how it has happened before, in the most confusing way, and coincidentally the only way that I am sure it is God, not certain but sure, I am shown a big black gold lettered Holy Bible in front of a door that is being pushed open by God. The corner is being bent up as if it is heavy but no match for the force opening the door. I opened my eyes and said quietly not even close to sleep, “what the hell did that mean!?!” This question is how I am I sure that indeed it was God and not tacos the night before. I don’t have a clue what that meant. Which is just it, it very well could have been a taco Tuesday hallucination. That really is just a epistemological question (see I looove cool words). I am not the keeper of knowledge just a seeker, but in these moments it is what I do NOT know that makes me know. Faith. It is deep, felt in the bones deep, like ache…heart ache, joy, love, and sometimes even hate. You know it IS but knowing all the answers of all the questions is not part of the meaning.

Anyway, the day goes by, but not really. I am sure I did stuff but the day did not REALLY go by. I kept getting pulled right back to the vision. I thought, maybe I should paint it so people find meaning and then they can tell me what they think, or if I were more talented maybe I could stage a photo, or sculpt it, or…dang it I won’t do any of that. So,I do what I do best, I start talking. My loving husband, he knows. What a wonderful shepherd he is. Gentle taps, quiet listening, and sometimes a nap, lol. He listens and I talk it out. I got nothin’. I came up with some good “stuff” but I was again “sure” I was not there. Could it be that we should not let the Bible get in our way? That seems like a good idea but I love the Bible like some people love Harry Potter! It is such a good read. No really it is! So obviously that hypothesis does not reconcile. Lots more ideas come, I am sure you have had some. But this is my taco God vision so… (just an aside, if you lack faith at this point please note we have tacos so there must be a God)

Skip to days later. I had let it go from my tight grasp and of course there it was. I have adamantly taught my children not to “take” only to receive because it is not good to take. I am so annoying <rolls eyes>. Here I am pulling at this moment when the sign says push. Uhg. When I let go, I find out the dang door is automatic. Just walk on through. That analogy is such a good one y’all because that was the whole message! I am going to sum it up here even if it is absent of some things. That’s what words do. They help us have models to make sense of things, even if they are incomplete. That is what religion does. It uses the words to make sense of life. You can kill someone with a candle stick meant to hold a light, it is just how you choose to use it. Same with the Bible.

God did not push hard on that heavy book. God opened the door easily, just pushed that door right on open no problem. Religion can be so daunting and flat out wrong sometimes. It can stifle and confuse, cause hate and hurt and all kinds of atrocities. But in my moment with God the message became clear as soon as I stopped trying to make it MY religion…God is no match for words. The door WILL open. Bigger than any way we make God out to be. More than any door can be held shut by jamming a sword in the way. God…all of God…has no problem getting to you. Just knock.